Not in this mood…not in the modd…fudge. Not in the mood for this today.
It is very hard to type….
I’m proving (5 second break) my theory at least…not even self bias can account for these feels. Things get worse at night. This is a pre-experiment noticing.
Depression is like a physical injury…the worst pain comes at night and then waking up…waking up also involves realizing it’s still there. They both suck.
Here. Have a drawing.
Fine. Since I’m gloomy and not being super entertaining you can have two.
I should be on the vegetarian diet but I’m not…the fast food phase wasn’t over. I got suicidalish. That’s not…what I was going for and at the end of each phase there should be a spiraling thoughts (5 second break)….10 seconds…typing so hard..session. I have to see if the thoughts affect me in different ways after/while in each phase. So I ate really horridly yesterday and well…it worked. Thoughts of existence and why we exist led to …freakish knife moments. I just used it to cut bread and then it started…talking to me in that weird way where you know it’s in your head but it feels so real that it’s actually talking to you.
I know. Creepy…but still real and I think if these things and thoughts are able to happen to us then they aren’t some freaky weird thing to hide but simply thoughts that happen. Thoughts to be analyzed and to figure out why they occur. Why did I get entranced by a knife and hear it laughing at me? I have no fucking clue. It scared me too. I did some creepy drawings but I don’t want to ruin your (whatever time of the day you read this). They’ll be in the diary though.
I’m hoping others have these thoughts too. I know a lot that do actually but also many who do not understand them…I’ve been plagued for years with them but have noticed a correlation from when my twin and I were eating sugar cubes dipped in icing with energy drinks to quench us and then came our mutual depression. Energy drinks with sour patch kids inside and sour spray lacing the rims. People kept asking if we were on drugs and we said no…this was long before I ever thought caffeine and sugar could cause….this and could be as addictive as other drugs. They were really good sour patch kids though. Leading into another question of why…our bodies could crave them so badly. We were addicted…obviously…but how the body gets addicted to something that harms it is really interesting. I was reading through Animal (book of my morning insanity) and…it just…so much darkness that went away when I was healthy. Yes the thoughts still hurt some and existing wasn’t always super desired…but it was getting closer.
Yay for a Copy
It is fortunate to have an identical twin to eventually test with…to see how growing up on different foods affected our minds. Actually Tech has a neuroimaging machine. I’ll look into it when I’m technically a student again in August.
The data is supporting negative mental outcomes from norm considered bad foods. There is still so much to discover there but a cross-sectional study with people who have been living on fast food diets currently or grew up on them would be more useful than me destroying this body. I do feel there is so much to still discover here though and it is really hard to move on. A year on it would lend so much data if I could live through it.
From here a lot of the study will be based on doing diets wrong and seeing how they effect the mind but also doing the diet right and seeing if it causes positive mental effects. A debate is how long to stay on the bad way and how long on the good way. At this point it will be a personal gauge.
I also drank beer out of an absinthe glass today:
I got really entranced by how the mouse feels like it’s above the screen…but still on it. There are layers to what we see on the computer screen. That’s so fucking cool.
(I added the fuck word to seem less kid like….)
I almost forgot! I made a mental badge to all of those who can eat fast food and not get depressed. You have mental powers my friend.