Salty Butterfly Wings

The most infuriating belly feels on carb eating (versus being in ketosis) is how often you become hungry. When in ketosis I could eat once a day and be so satisfied that food wouldn’t even be thought of. Except, of course, for recipes, but even then it was rational and I could sift through foods mentally without wanting to pull them out of my head in ravishment. Now I will have a potato or nectarine and some Cheez-Its then feel over full until two hours later when it all comes back again.

The mental issue in being starved is it becomes less desireful to see people or to function at all. Memory is difficult and even concentrating at all, for all thoughts and bodily conscious moments are on crunch and chewy and fuck it really didn’t matter. I would’ve eaten butterfly wings if they had salt and a crunch. Which is bullox because they’re meant to float in pleasure air, not eaten.


Yesterday I said fuck it a lot and although I had tons of food awaiting its turn to be cooked at home. I was driving past Taco Bell and realized I had cash and it was ten feet away. I knew it would cause mental unhappiness and there was no point but cravings decided to drive and push me to kiddie wheel in the back where I cooed and handed over the cash.

I had been able to use happy thoughts to not feel depression all day until those two tacos. They did come with a super convenient sleeve though that has a stop at the back so I had that going for me. Which was nice.

It became much harder to think, to care and to see friends. I desperately mused over how to get out of D&D and just be in my cave at home. I tried to trigger connections of moments earlier where D&D was fun sounding and I had worked to want it despite doing tons of cave crawling (I’m not super into the combat side of things). Thankfully someone else cancelled and the game with it.

I did certainly desire social seclusion though and yet did not enjoy being alone. Nothing really sounded or felt like pleasure.

As the night lingered and the taco mind faded I felt/heard something peculiar…

The voices again…

10:09 AM

Last night the alternate voices came back…separate…as though I was listening to them in the next room. My voice but in different tones…I tried to talk to them…to interfere and let them know I was there but…they didn’t hear me.

Where does that come from and how does it happen? Do our minds just become deranged when on fast food….when the food is wrong for us…does the mind react in so many ways we don’t understand or does it somehow all make perfect sense if we ask the right questions?

Although positive thoughts are helpful they are harder to maintain. Highs soar them into dancing but the lows are harder to conquer. It’s a trapped feeling. I ate Taco Bell and Cheez-Its and those seemed to cause the most direct negative tinkering while eating fresh fruits and vegetables still held the highs and lows but they were more sane and conquerable to life. That’s what it seems a lot of this comes down to. It is possible to overcome being on bad food and live and have happiness, but it is much harder and consuming when the negative comes.

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SI-Ya Ray

Greetings beautiful people. I bliss out over crafting new flavors, interviewing test makers and restaurant owners and discovering the brain.

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