So I’ve oddly enough been doing vegetarian for the last few days if you don’t count random bacon pieces in my mouth. I just had the food for it and ate what was in the fridge then got full and didn’t eat meat. I even used my leftover macaroni (with some chopped up skillet fired onions) and put those noodles into a twice baked potato. I expected some mental drawbacks with tiny arrows into my head but it was actually a mentally lovely day.
There’s something about fresh fruits and vegetables that makes the brain seem…just fine. I’m able to deal with small issues. This morning the lid to my travel mug was missing (I did type small) and it was laughable, almost joyous to solve. Since laughter comes from unexpected my mind picked up on days before getting pricked off at every small issue to now where they feel like feathers stroking me everywhere. Contrast makes things soft apparently.
The hunger is aggravating though but getting better as this body adjusts to potatoes and random as it’s energy source. I think the body panics at change (primal) and seeks out to store the food and thus doesn’t use all of it so we get hungry soon after.
But I’m stalling….I wanted to type about something more…I guess important today…but I don’t want to be that person who…is what you expect. Someone telling or saying why to live…because well I don’t fully yet believe this is a world I love living in. So then why the fuck would I try and convince other people to live here? I have found reasons to live though…real ones because I had to. I’ve been into the depths of thinking dying was far more beautiful and wanted than living. Where a knife inside me was better than anything else being inside me. Where the idea of blood is other’s laughter in love.
Christianity and heaven stopped working for me years ago because I can’t get over the idea of people living in hell. There is something too wrong about a sick game that puts people in places they sin and having created sin in the first place, created our minds, created belief at all and then saying you go to the worst place you can imagine if you don’t believe what he says to. And in that fucking scenario they gave you the ability to imagine it, fear it, and do anything to avoid it including worshipping for life and secluding those who don’t follow. I also don’t believe we have the answer to existence the moment we’re born.
So why live?
The main reason is I don’t know what happens at death and I’m afraid to find out. If I knew for sure then….well I don’t know what would happen.
The second reason is….well people. I’ve met many people in this lifetime so far…ones I never could have created or imagined without knowing. There’s something stopping about that. There’s also materials here I barely know how to use or what materials created them to act the way they do. The way these letters etch into the screen and then into your mind from mine…
The way this computer solidly sits here as I put the words into it….then you can sit at another computer or some device and here these letters are….there just for you (and whoever else takes them in).
There are still days it gets really bad…recently even. In the depths there is no happy thought that can take you out of it…those thoughts mock you deeper in really. Those nights it is ten percent of me that reaches out for friends…and I hate doing it and fucking hate them. I don’t want them to make it better and I just want to stop existing but…something keeps telling me to live. Maybe a greater force or just self arrogance but it says I have to fight…it feels like my insides are scratching me up when I reach out to other friends. Not the ones who will say it’s okay or life is worth living…but the ones who actually know what I’m going through…the ones who feel real…this was the worst night after having a McChicken and a soda that day.
He sent another but it was too long for me and I just moaned and forced myself to fall asleep and hope the next day felt different….It didn’t. None of the pain of living left…for once the sun felt like vampire aches and I hated life…violent within and out…until I read the next one…
I don’t know how it helped but…it did. I laughed….hope came back somehow. Begrudgingly…ish
The next few days I still kept eating shit and despising existence itself…shuddering at the thought of it…so we have this forest in the backyard.
When things got really bad….I ran into it. I stood in the middle of our forest for about….hours…I felt my skin crying. Then I hugged this plant
I hugged it and cried…about one tear because I was taught to keep them in. Inside though…it gushed. The release was wicked and mixed with wet and blood…releasing yet capturing of pain…
If I’m right in this theory and what we’ve been eating has been causing our bodies to create these thoughts in our heads…to reach connections that tell us to die….
I can’t pass a McDonald’s without wanting to burn it.
I’m so deeply burdened with caring about …. everyone. I do anything it takes to try and help humans because we’re all stuck on this earth together.
Thinking of food also helps…creating at all really. If I go a week without a new thought depression comes regardless of the diet..maybe….I’ll find out.
Yesterday the idea of baked strawberries in a pool/baking pan of melted goat cheese with frozen bits of thyme on top helped. Yet today and yesterday I’ve just been relaxing in the mindcation of no suicide thoughts. I love going to work. I really love the people there and just being around them…a base formation is happening.
That’s what has predisposed me to these thoughts though…part of the reason I can reach such depths while others don’t. My base got a bit fucked growing up and I don’t really have one now that the twin is married. Now that one is forming it actually is harder to feel completely alone and as though life is worthless…thinking of going there causes this inner swell of…something that clings me into this earth. It’s kind of annoying actually due to it being an unaccounted variable…I might have to quit 😉