Today my mind is soaked in egg and bacon with crunches of Brussels and a scrumptious layer of almond butter to soak the tastes together. It wants to be soaked in coffee too. Dark beans roasted in my head to invigorate it into the daylight. Ughzies.
Sleep was disrupted so my cycles were thrown off and sanity did not catch them. Instead I had dreams of a wicked gray haired witch sprouting and killing trees across my parent’s land. Then she made pictures out of water rising from wood that showed our past lives and refused to share them. I ninja moded and captured my mum’s though. She was willing to bargain at least.
Sigh…I need to stop sleeping in such an open room.
Upon moving in my bed was heavy so I left it in the foyer area. Then it worked for the experiment because humans don’t naturally like to sleep in too open of spaces. It makes sleeping an awareness. The night of the knife….well that’s when I was vividly open to the pain of the windows reflecting outer life and wanted to have a sleeping bag, chinchilla, cave and complete darkness. Yet the dark held terrors too.
Now it’s rather nice, the openness. The world gently saunters in and removes it’s clothes before cuddling up for sleepy time.
Yesterday I spent the daytime with Robbie and it was greatly enjoyed. No social anxiety occurred and no seclusive desires invaded. His friend spontaneously erupted into our moments and even then no rage tingles or excuses for leaving filled me. We went off for a day drink and I had gin (Tanqueray cuz mouth fucking noms) soaked in soda water with bursts of lime’s juice and my mind was soaked in bliss. Food was wanted so I fed me. Then me being me I analyzed the why of how alcohol makes food taste so good and recorded it:
Before that I realized alcohol even mind soaked out ADHD barriers. Then recorded those thoughts too:
This morning I realized you might want to know what this diet is that took my mind from suicide to highs. Except not highs…it is more of a calmly constant stroking of life. It feels like how a human is supposed to feel.
Om nom noms
Connection to Human
To connect to myself..the human body without feeling trapped and wanting to scream is very new and has only happened on this diet/the last two days. Going back to my primal diet is all that changed. Now then you might think this is just another company sponsoring me into going mental, grabbing attention then telling you all about them.
I would think that too, even subconsciously.
Let me first of all give you a moment of my mind when young (part of audiobook to Animal). If you want to read it I’ve made it an open Gooogle Doc. Page 61. I’m doing this because of what happened to me in life. The suicidal thoughts, the trapped feelings and existence itself being capturing yet inescapable. I’ve searched to find how to conquer them because I’ve never been able to just live. I have to find a reason for it and a reason for everything I can find a reason for.
Not through religion or a reason to live I can’t believe in, but to find a true way. It matters more than…a company or money. It’s believable considering that link to Animal is a book I spent years writing. It was never meant for money but is on Amazon so I could publish it at 23 at 3:33 AM. I love three. The entire audiobook will be on soundcloud once I can figure out how to convert mp4 to mp3 without megavirus launch on my computer.
Primal/paleo/keto have just worked to make me enjoy being human. They’re more of an anti-company anyways. It’s about getting back your control instead of giving it to others. All of the inner brand aisles of a store are avoided and you get the fresh bliss on the outside. Veggies and cheese, heavy cream, eggs and oils. Things people melt into with smiles in general. Then you create a blissmind with it. All that boxed up antinutrients loses any desire. It becomes the taste of addiction instead of true taste. Of thyme, rosemary, bacon and joy soaking up your life instead of irrational ravenous moments.
The continued aspect of the disconnect will come tomorrow. I’m too tired for it today. Sincere apologies.