I spent three years doing keto with a lot of paleo molded in and then added sweet potatoes and roots to form a garden that was only allowed to drip honey and maple syrup from its roots, sugar was still forbidden from the food creation. When I first had root veggies it was with a feeling I was cheating (relationship vibes?) on keto. I thought it was going to bring back all my mental disorders, my pain, my anxiety that at that point I fully blamed on diet.
I have since learned that my brain stays at play even if it has ground edibles inside. When I had first “cheated” (okay it’s definitely a relationship) on keto it was with a cupcake or a chocolate slice of mouthgasms that refused to be denied. It would lead to spirals, anxiety, depression, a sense of failure and a feeling that I had betrayed my mind because now I would be suicidal again. Being suicidal sucks. The cupcake. The cupcake was the next step after roots to prove that food could not make me suicidal and that it was always in my power to choose my thoughts, my bodily sensations, my internal bliss. The cupcake freed me because after I ate it I was still in control. It was a bite a day. A lemon blueberry concoction of mouth fantasma and creamy fruit. A bite of something I craved but hated myself for craving days before, but the day I ate the cupcake I allowed freedom. I allowed love. After a bite, I was able to stop. Now, a few months later, I have really learned that no matter the bread or butter or sugar amount in me I can remain in control of my mind. After freeing myself, and no longer punishing myself for my cravings as I had been, I now wish to go through a cleanse with the idea of love and self-nurturing at the center of it all.
2 comments
I understand this deeply. I was a binger and a purger for years and when I was 19, I saw a holistic nutritionist to help me stop. She put me on a strict vegan diet because the food I was eating was generally healthy, and didn’t really make me want to eat mass amounts of it. And also since it was healthy, I didn’t feel the need to throw it up. I healed without gaining weight and remained vegan for years. When I met my husband, he was a meat eater and I just found it too difficult to remain a vegan, so I made the switch. I now weigh 40lbs more (after two kids) and it’s tough sometimes to look at myself in the mirror. Your “cheat” helped you and made you feel free, but my cheating is destroying me. And I don’t even know how to get back on track when most of my meals consist of my kids’ leftover macaroni and cheese, standing over the stove eating it right from the pot.
I completely understand this. Food is so tied to our emotions to the point that stress causes us to crave dopamine and food can give us a dopamine high. Have you tried journaling before indulging in cravings or taking a deep breath and trying to feel if it is an emotion that needs some healing before indulging?