First Few Days
So I made it through the whole 30 with a single bite of rice and one sip of cream from Aun’s coffee I accidentally let in. The rice was totally not an accident. In the past I’ve started over from miner slips but then did not finish so this time I just kept going and finished Whole 30 all the way through. I’m self counting it.
So I was really excited to introduce dairy for the first day after, but then my flow started. I decided to wait a week because dairy and alcohol and sugar and all the things to try again are harder on the body when it’s already in pain and clearing itself out, so I just reintroduced rice the first day with rice noodles, a slice of rice bread and some white rice covered in fatty sauce. I didn’t feel anything change physically so rice can live on as a mouth moment for me.
Then I went two days back just Whole 30ing and yesterday I made some paleo banana bread with coconut flour. No sweetener was added but for that already embedded in the bananas. Ten minutesish after eating it I felt that sugar dragon appear and just felt so out of control. I started eating corn chips with salsa and just felt this fear that I was losing control and knew if I limited myself it would get worse but also feared how far I would go. Luckily the feeling subsided when the chips were staler than old bread and I ate some squash. I realized quickly I hadn’t eaten for most of the day so the hunger was amplifying the cravings. Eating helped gain control.
It was shocking to watch myself lose control so easy and I’m still scared now of what will happen when I try any baked goods. I do not want to fear eating a cookie. I want to eat it while in full control and with self love. Fear is frightening and that’s my next goal is to be fearless with whatever I eat.
Last Few Days
Whole 30 reintroduction has now been the hardest part of whole 30. Once I have a mini pancake at Costco as a simple gluten introduction I somehow slip into feeling I want to eat many things, the deprivation factor kicks in and I feel free to consume, yet also feel like “I’m not supposed to”. I don’t think this is part of the Whole 30 mentality, but I think it has been such a part of our culture that diets are used as self-punishment that any form of it can trigger those emotions.
After that gluten I added in some chips and still felt this….hard to stop sensation yet truly enjoyed them. I think next time I’ll make it intimate and be fully in the moment rather than scarf them down in the car super quickly to “get it out of the way” as though my addiction is the child in this relationship and I’m just trying to satisfy them to get them to be quiet. It’s time to listen and find the root of this food fear and work to heal that from the inside.
